Or: “How To Be a Sarcastabitch: Lesson 1”
I cannot remember where or when I first heard this expression, but it would not surprise me if I heard it from my dad. Having one side of your family hail from the South, you end up with quite a few of these kind of sayings in your repertoire. For instance, if you say something that shocks or surprises one of my cousins, you may hear him respond with the phrase, “Well, f*ck me up the butt and call me Shirley!” Politically correct they are not – a lot of fun at parties, though? You betcher britches.
I have adopted this particular quote as something of a life philosophy (the “I have enough friends” one, not the “Shirley” one) and that is why I chose it for Lesson 1 in the “How To Be A Sarcastabitch” series. It may sound negative, but taken in proper context, it is about having healthy boundaries, keeping poisonous people at arm’s length, and finding your inner Towanda.
Have you ever known, in your innermost core, that someone was “after” your partner? That given the chance, they would cover you in honey and push your ass off a cliff into a lake of red ants to take your place? What happens when you share these feelings with said partner? If they are enjoying the attention, or if they truly try to see the best in all people, you probably got a response along the lines of, “He/She is just a really good friend! He/She is so nice, if you would just get to know him/her. I would really love it if you and he/she could be friends. How about if we have a barbecue and invite him/her so you can get to know him/her and be besties and play video games/go shopping together?” Repeat. After. Me. “Screw you. I have enough friends.”
You know that woman you meet, usually at work, who suddenly wants to be your bestie, and you slowly (or quickly) realize that this is because they are a giant sucking hole of need and have exhausted all of their other friends and need new ones? You know, the woman that is always in crisis with her boyfriend/husband/married lover and who is always sick and/or injured and needs you to bring her food/take her shift/keep her company because no one else is sucker enough for the job? Say it with me now, loud and strong: “Screw you. I have enough friends.”
If you are divorced, you may have particular use for this phrase. For instance, your ex-spouse may develop a habit of taking actions that infuriate you and that they KNOW will infuriate you – no really! this actually happens, I assure you – and as a follow up to those actions, as you fume, they may say something in the area of “I thought we were going to be amicable”, or “We need to be friendly, for the children.” Or, their new partner, anxious to grab the crown labeled “Princess of Nice” so that you take the remaining tiara labeled “The Bitchy One That Won’t Be Nice Back” will make attempts to buddy up to you in order to give you all that great advice on how to raise your kids. In both of these situations, and their opposite sex equivalents, a little “I have enough friends” goes a long way toward your overall feelings of confidence and toward building the Wall of Boundaries (Keep out, effers!) around your Sacred Space of Serenity. The “screw you” part is not to be left out, however, as that is the Towanda part.
I hope you’re still reading because there is one caveat. “Screw you, I have enough friends” is just as effective SILENTLY. Listen, it’s all about you, ok? Sarcastabitches are not out to save the other guy. Sarcastabitches are realists, not martyrs. And as such, the Sarcastabitch lessons are meant to give YOU a sense of “I’m okay, and you can be less than okay if you want but that’s not so much my problem.” So as you’re listening to the glowing review of the personality traits of someone you can’t stomach, or having your boundaries pushed upon by someone you wish you’d never had the misfortune to share a bed with, or being scolded by someone whose intelligence is rivaled by most toddlers for setting and keeping said boundaries, just say it really loudly in your head. Trust me on this one, I’m your friend. But you have enough of those anyway.