I am not an organized person. I am, however, fairly good at appearing organized. If you have never been inside my car, for instance, you would never know that at this moment it contains such items as a ream of paper, a mop and bucket, and a box kit containing the materials to make mosaic tile coasters. As you might imagine, each of these items has an intended home other than my vehicle. However, if you have a hot beverage I can make you a paper cup to hold it in, give you a coaster to set it on, and/or clean it up if you spill it. So color me prepared!
If, like me, you were not born with the gene that produces color coded closets, carefully labeled file folders containing bills and important papers, or a system for getting your voicemails and emails responded to in a reasonable time period, you probably have some sort of method for compensating for your lack thereof. I have several. One, and possibly the most effective, is to leave myself voicemails. I have these moments – most of them occur while driving – when something I was supposed to do suddenly dawns on me with a gasp and a hand to forehead. In these moments, I grab for my cellphone (is it in my coat pocket? No. In my purse? Negative. Ah, there it is on the dashboard…) and leave myself a message on my work phone. It’s always a little bit awkward to begin these messages. “Hello, it’s you. I mean, me. Um….” Inevitably, there is then a long pause while I try to remember what I just remembered. Why I feel the need to say “Um” or “hold on” to fill the silence while I think, I do not know. “Oh yeah, buy tampons.” I smile, satisfied. Good work.
My messages take a more exasperated tone when I’ve forgotten yet again. Fast forward to the next evening on the drive home. “It’s me again. You forgot to buy tampons. Do it on your lunch break or by Friday you are going to be running around looking for a bathroom that has a machine.”
And even more so the next day. “HEY DOUCHEBAG! BUY. TAMPONS.”
Now, the major drawback to this method is this: I generally listen to my voicemail on speaker phone. Listen, I am almost never on time to work. So I tend to multitask first thing in the morning, in order to feel like I’ve caught up to the brown-nosers who arrive at 8am. The reason no one gives me a hard time for lateness is that I am three times as productive as the others in my office most days. But at 8:20am, you will generally find me playing my messages on speaker while also hanging up my coat, pulling out yesterday’s to-do list, and scanning my email inbox. I keep my office door closed until this process is completed, so it’s never been an issue. Until…
My boss, Mark, enters my office at 8:25am one Thursday morning. I bet you can guess what Thursday morning. He is one of those bosses that radiates impatience at all times. So he is doing his best to appear to wait patiently (fail) for the few seconds it’s taking me to cross my tiny office and hang up on my voicemail. In those few seconds, here is what is playing…
BEEP! “Hi, it’s Angela in accounting, I have a question about your expense report. Please call me back as soon as possible, at extension 5879. Thanks!” BEEP!
BEEP! “Hey it’s Jack, just wondering if Bob has gotten back to you about who he’s sending on the Indiana trip. Give me a call.” BEEP!
It is about here that I realize what’s coming up next. I am now attempting the superpower of flying – you never know until you try – but it is simply too late.
BEEP! “HEY DOUCHEBAG!…” And then I died of embarrassment. The end.
sarcastabitch 